3 Common Communication Mistakes We All Make and How to Fix Them
The quality of your life is directly correlated to the quality of your relationships. Sharing close connections with people you trust is good for your health and mental well being, and it can actually contribute to a longer life.
What’s the key to building successful relationships?
Communication - hands down.
When we communicate clearly, we have the ability to fully understand each other. We build a bridge where compassion, love and support can flow freely.
When we fail to communicate, we’re prone to misinterpret information. On a large scale, these misunderstandings have the power to start wars.
Unfortunately, effective communication isn’t a skill that was part of our general education. We’ve learned how to communicate better through conflict, heartbreak, embarrassment and failure - which isn’t always a bad thing.
In this article, I’ll share with you the 3 communication mistakes we make that keep us from building close relationships, and how to fix them.
#1 You speak more than listen.
You know what the secret is to being a great conversationalist? Talk less.
Oprah says, “Everybody just wants to be heard” and attributes her billion dollar success to this one simple need.
When we stop listening and all we want to do is get our point across, we’re not truly connecting. We’re just filling up silence and playing ping pong with words.
Do you want to have more meaningful conversations? Listen more and talk less.
Here’s how:
Practice active listening - not just to the words of the person in front of you, but how they’re articulating them. What does their body language tell you? Or the tone in their voice? 80%+ of communication is body language. You can gather more information about what a person is conveying when you take a broader approach to listening.
Repeat what you hear - show the person you’re speaking with that you fully understand by reiterating back what they’ve shared. Your efforts will not go unnoticed and it could be a catalyst for building more closeness between you two.
Respond with relevance - when it is your turn to share, find a way to link their topic of conversation with a related experience of yours. This builds intimacy as you learn more about each other.
#2 You create stories.
Humans are natural problem solvers. Sometimes we do it so well we’re not even aware of it. One way we problem solve in relationships is creating stories in our minds to make sense of things. We tend to jump to conclusions without really knowing what the full truth is.
One tragic example of this is the story of Romeo & Juliet. Romeo jumps the gun and poisons himself after assuming his beloved is dead.
The assumptions we make will not likely lead to life and death situations, but they do get us into trouble. Because no matter how well you think you know someone, you’ll never be able to read their mind or be 100% certain you know what they’re thinking.
Instead of assuming, try these:
Asking questions- it’s as simple as that. Get clarification on what they meant before acting or making a decision based on an assumption.
Using analogies - provide examples to get clear on a specific message, especially if you come from different cultural backgrounds where syntax doesn't always translate.
#3 You’re “too nice”
Are you also someone who likes to avoid confrontation and conflict whenever possible? I’m the same! In general, I believe that keeping the peace is a good habit to practice.
But there comes a time where you absolutely need to speak up - when a certain topic or event starts to impede on your life. Avoiding conflict at the expense of your needs doesn’t solve anything - issues grow bigger as they are prolonged.
I get it, it’s hard to speak up and ask for what you need. Maybe in the past, it didn’t go so well. Through experience though, what I’ve discovered is that more often than not, when you express what you need in an authentic way, you’ll be met with compassion and understanding. And you might even build a deeper connection.
When we talk about hard things, the heaviness that was once there will dissipate.
Instead of trying to be too nice and avoiding conflict, try:
Using the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method - this book has positively changed the way my partner and I navigate through conflict. It’s given us a framework to express our needs in a productive way. Here are the steps:
Observations - observe the situation objectively and without blame
Feelings - state how the observation is making you feel. If you need help I’ve got a FREE PDF guide to help you understand your emotions.
Needs - connect the observation and feeling with a need that is not being met. For a list of needs, you can find them here.
Make a request - ask specifically and clearly what you need or want from the other person
Use I statements (instead of “you” statements) - when we take full ownership of our emotions and approach people in a non-confrontational way, it opens up opportunities for us to be seen and understood.
Want to live a good life? Build quality relationships. And the key to cultivating these close connections is effective communication.
Which of these tips will you try?