15 Effective Ways to Improve Your Relationship with Yourself
It was the summer of 2010 in Tulum, Mexico. The white sand beach was completely empty. The ocean water was a bright turquoise, calmly caressing the shore with it’s gentle waves. I look over at my lover and feel confused, anxious...but happy. I think?
Tulum, 2010
He was everything I was convinced my dream guy was: handsome, athletic, great smile, amazing apartment and he worked for himself. A modern day Disney prince.
The only problem was, I shared him with another woman.
To be fair, I had just learned of this news on our romantic getaway. It was like getting punched in the gut and I was left gasping for air love. I thought I’d be getting closer to him, not getting played. My confidence was waning by the minute.
If my relationship with myself had been better, I would’ve realized these qualities about him were all external and had nothing to do with my values. I’d just been heavily influenced by the outside world and didn’t really know what I wanted. The red flags were subtle at the time, but in hindsight, were blatantly clear.
The following wasn’t discussed but I knew not to:
Post any photos of us on social media
Call each other boyfriend and girlfriend
Talk about touchy feely things like emotions
There were unsaid rules of engagement in our “relationship” we’d constructed without having to say a word. I wasn’t self-aware enough to understand the harsh reality of being in an unrequited relationship. I simply accepted the portion of “love” that was offered to me and didn’t question if I was worthy of more. I felt disconnected.
I learned the hard way, the quality of the relationship you have with yourself determines the nature of all other relationships in your life.
Building a strong bond with yourself is important and can bring countless benefits. In doing this work:
You develop a deeper understanding of yourself which creates space for more compassion towards others
You learn to accept and appreciate who you are, build your confidence and eliminate the need for external validation
Knowing what your needs are and how to fulfill them, sets you up so you never have to settle for less than what you deserve.
The level of connection you experience in your relationships is limited to how deep you’ve gone on your own. There’s a parallel to cultivating intimacy with ourselves and with each other. It’s not easy to navigate. It takes effort and can get really uncomfortable at times. We need to be willing to get vulnerable in order for us to grow into the best version of ourselves.
Over the years (and more dysfunctional relationships), I’ve learned how to build a stronger bond with myself. And it’s changed everything for the better: my personal life, love life, and professional life.
I started doing things alone like surfing, going on solo dates and traveling (it’s how I ended up here in Bali). The more time I spent deepening the connection with myself, the more love, compassion and confidence I gained.
Want a more fulfilling life? Build strong relationships. And start with the most important - the one with yourself:
Here are 15 ways you can start today:
Carve out alone time - whether it’s 10 minutes to meditate or 10 days of solo travelling. And be intentional about it.
Acknowledge yourself - it’s easy to compliment other people. But don’t forget about your #1. Write down a list of things you love about yourself and remind yourself daily.
Set clear goals - know where you’re going in your personal and professional life. And be realistic and compassionate to yourself in pursuing them.
Spark joy - you might be busy, but be sure to make room for the activities you love to do
Take care of your physical body - remember the basics: get enough sleep, drink water, eat well and move everyday. Showing up for yourself this way is an act of self love.
Go on dates with yourself - you don’t have to wait for someone special to plan the perfect date. You are that special someone.
Create good habits - automate productive activities that are aligned with your goals.
Journal - This is a great way to get clarity around your thoughts and emotions so you can take meaningful action.
Practice self-acceptance - write down what your strengths and weaknesses are and truly own them.
Explore your values - these are themes, virtues, and characteristics you find important. They can act as motivators, emotional sensors and drivers towards making key decisions.
Don’t believe your thoughts - we have 60,000 thoughts per day. At least 80% are negative thoughts and 90% of them are recurring. Find a way to break this pattern and change the limiting stories into positive ones.
Trust yourself - Make decisions directly from your heart and stick with them.
Plan for bad days - instead of getting thrown off track and into a cycle of negativity, prepare a game plan for when these days inevitably happen.
Be your own best friend - it’s easy to be hard on yourself when you’ve made a mistake. The next time this happens, try talking to yourself as you would to your best friend.
Ask for help - we don’t need to do everything on our own. Reaching out when you need it is a form of self care.