The Conflict Cure

We had spent every minute of every day together in quarantine for months: cooking, co-working, working out, hardly working. And when the time came to launch my coaching program Pursuit on Point, I became apprehensive. I worried about the impending stress and how it would put pressure on our relationship and potentially lead us towards a breaking point. Shit was about to hit the fan.

I ducked and covered. But nothing ended up happening. The blow ups and the meltdowns I’d been expecting never actually came.

This wasn’t due to the lack of conflict that Michael and I experience in our relationship (because we’ve had plenty), it came from how we learned to navigate through it.

 
Michael and Leannah
 

I used to think a relationship that had little or no conflict was ideal. That if you two always got along, it was a sign of success. And after a couple of decades in dating, I know now that holding that perspective will always lead me to disappointment. Because disagreements in any relationship, whether passionate, professional or platonic - are inevitable.

Nine times out of ten, conflict arises when a need is not being met, or when one person's need clashes with the others.

It can be a physical need like food or sleep, or a psychological or emotional need like safety or love. Being human comes with the responsibility of getting your needs met and resolving your own problems. Being part of a society adds challenges and complexities to that objective - we’ve got to balance meeting our needs while everyone around us does the same. And here’s where it gets tricky - we’re bound to bump up against each other in our quest to fulfill our needs.

This makes the idea of striving for a clash-free relationship totally unrealistic. If this is the case though, why do so many of us aim for it? For starters, we believe in the romanticized idea of the perfect relationship. We’ve been influenced by movies, books and the snippets of people’s lives we see on social media.

The truth is, if you’re in a meaningful relationship with anyone, your needs will inevitably collide. And if they don’t, one or both of you are playing pretend.

I know what it’s like to play this game. I did it for a long time - at work, with romantic partners, with friends. In the efforts to meet my needs for love and belonging, I fell into the pattern of pleasing people. I laughed things off, I let people cross my boundaries, I acted as if things were okay when they weren’t. Ironically, I did all of this to avoid conflict and what it brought on was the exact opposite.

When we try to bypass this work, it grows bigger. In my case, my problem was that I wasn’t being honest - with myself and everyone else. I had shown the world that I was always agreeable and down for anything in the spirit of being liked. I had abandoned my truth for external validation and it sent me on a journey of losing my sense of self and my self confidence. On this path I became angry and resentful and blamed everyone in my orbit for my inability to deal with my problems.

I eventually learned this lesson:

Avoiding conflict isn’t what makes a successful relationship, working through it will determine your success.

In our first year, Michael and I experienced challenges in these areas: long-distance, cultural differences, a pandemic, quarantine, social justice issues, huge work projects and then some. It got tough. To the point where we both questioned the durability of our relationship. And honestly, what brought us our answer came from the way we were able to navigate through our conflict.

We learned that resisting or questioning our differences was a waste of time. And a better way to spend our energy was towards accepting, understanding and resolving.

The experience and skills we gained through our friction gave us wisdom and we became better equipped for whatever came our way next.

Over the last few months, Michael and I have both been grinding in our businesses. When things got crazy for me, he picked up the slack around the house, made sure I survived by cooking healthy meals and reminding me to physically care for my body. He also helped me run my Facebook Ads and proofread my work (bless him!). And on days when I could sense that he needed me, I was there. We both showed up for each other during crucial times, without having to sacrifice our obligations and personal agendas.

What’s surprising is that through this stressful season, there wasn’t an ounce of conflict present (and thank goodness, because neither of us had the capacity to process it with as much presence and patience as we would have, outside of our crunch time). We were able to fully support each other and simultaneously work on what was essential to each of our businesses. This is because of the foundation we'd built from resolving our differences in the past.

Confronting conflict is a courageous act. It takes vulnerability, strength and integrity to breakthrough old patterns of avoidance and stagnancy.

Being able to navigate through the rough waters of conflict in a productive way not only can bring more intimacy, trust and durability to your relationships, but it can also provide safety, security and support for the times when you need it most.

Are you experiencing conflict in your relationships? Here are steps that might be helpful for you:

  1. Check in with your emotions and get clear on what they are.

  2. Learn how to articulate your feelings and needs without blame

  3. Find a resolution that is productive and offers growth to your relationship


Want more?

Here’s a resource list that may provide you with additional support:


Leannah Lumauig4 Comments